ed. note: long-post warning...

I'm feeling awfully "33." And by "33" I mean "49". I'm apparently going through some sort of mid-life something or other. I'm not calling it a crisis by any means: I'm in no panic (yet). Seeing that the mean life expectancy of your average American male is around 71, I'm just about AT "mid-life." I guess it's a phase

This seems to be a good kind of phase - sort of. While it's uncomfortable at times, it's also causing me to reflect on my life and times, and kind of evaluate where I'm at, and where I'd like to be. Problem is, I don't know where I want to be.

Here's the problem I discovered just yesterday, though: my entire life I've been searching for "something," some way to define Who I Am. Something to validate my existence, something to make me feel like there's been some sort of purpose of my being here on this planet...just something.

19: artist
- When I was 19, I came to the conclusion that I was a an artist; mostly a percussionist as I had become wrapped up in spiritual pursuits that revolved around rhythm and drumming (and pot), though writing and theatre were also parts of the puzzle.

21: lighting designer
- When I was 21, I came to the conclusion that I was a lighting designer. I had visions of designing lights for dance concerts, rock bands, and the occasional play that required less-than-typical lighting. I even did lighting work for God Street Wine for a number of shows, which to this day is one of the highlights of my 20's.

Post-college: theatre production artist
- After college, I knew I needed to somehow be involved in the theatre, desperately wanting to be a part of something bigger than myself that caused audiences to have extraordinary experiences. While some of those that worked around me in the production staff were 'techies,' I considered myself an artist, and viewed my responsibilities during rehearsals and performances with real reverence.

Mid-20's: Love
- While working in the theatre, I realized that theatre just isn't enough. I found that the most important thing in the world was love. I found what I thought was the meaning of my life in a wonderful (though odd) relationship with an awesome woman; this wasn't just boyfriend/girlfriend - there was a real, honest-to-the-core soul connection, that was more important than anything. I was ready to drop my life and move to Miami to be with this great woman.

Late 20's: Love & software
- After she broke up with me, I was lost. Until I reconnected with a woman whose path kept on crossing mine - we kept on being drawn back together, and were together on and off since our first date back in 1995. I began to feel like my life had new meaning again, and that I had found the One. During this time I also left the theatre (out of exhaustion, boredom, and a fear of financial insecurity - not in the present, but in the future), and entered the software testing field. I dove into that head-first, and clung to the idea that some of the work I was doing would have a direct impact on anyone in the world who ran Windows XP.

28: LOST
- When I lost myself again into the pits of active alcoholism, that wonderful woman decided to move on for good. Talk about completely lost, alone, and afraid... I had no idea who I was or what my life was about anymore, nor what I wanted life to be. I was SO lost, and needed to not only get sober to try to save my life, but I needed to somehow find a definition of that life and pursue that with everything I had.

29: Entrepreneur
- After being bound by the grips of alcohol for so long, I yearned for a freedom in all areas of my life. So after quitting drinking and getting on the road to recovery from alcoholism, I sought the one freedom that our society seems to dwell upon all too much: I sought financial freedom. Mother Earth House Cleaning was born, and was sure to be my road to riches. I did all the stuff you're supposed to: guerilla-marketing, product tie-ins, reading books, promoting websites, talking to other business owners....

31: Management
- After I closed that business (due to exhaustion and boredom, and that in the 1.5 years I had it it just didn't grow like I had hoped), I went into retail management. I hated it, but thought of it as part of my education into all-things business. After a while, I even envisioned myself staying in that field and working my way up the managerial ladder. Then I fizzled out and simply hated the work.

31: Poker player
- Yes, there was a large chunk of time where I seriously contemplated going after the professional poker world. I'm a good player (you can read my poker blog here), and still today believe if given the right opportunity and a little bit of coaching I could make a success out of this game I so love. I was (and still do) play just about every day, my Vegas trip was won through poker, the tickets for O and Blue Man Group were paid for with poker money.... I was even in negotiations to become sponsored into the professional poker tournament circuit for a year (unfortunately fell through). If there's anything in my life I have a passion for, it's poker. But as far as "meaning"? I dunno... I could see doing the poker thing as a means of helping others (kind of a robin-hood type deal where I win big money and then do good stuff with a lot of it).

Today: ???
And that leads to where I'm at today: while working in retail I was offered a position back in the software field, and back in WA State. I jumped at the opportunity to get back to Seattle, and back to a more financially-suitable profession. But... I'm still searching. Searching for meaning in my life. My job doesn't even add enjoyment let alone meaning; I still feel it hard to really connect with people out in Seattle so friendship isn't even adding "meaning" to my life. I play poker, which I desperately love, yet it's hard to say that adds "meaning" to my life.

So, that's where I'm at: trudging along this path, wondering what I need to do to find this elusive "meaning" I've been searching for my entire life. Whenever I've found it, it's shortly gone; when I've tried to grasp onto something, it's like reaching into a stream and squeezing your hand to try to hold the water.

I'm gonna keep walking, keeping my eyes and ears open, and keep recording whatever seems important or interesting, and perhaps after a while some pattern or something will emerge.