I'm being completely honest with myself, and with you; I realize that this is utterly stupid and awful, and I hate that my brain keeps making these leaps without my permission. I don't blame you if you think less of me after reading this, because I've been thinking less of me because of this myself:
Two things, related:
1. I work in a converted converence room, with 3 other guys. 2 of the guys are from India. Their English is often quite difficult to understand, and I usually have to ask them to repeat what they said as I usually miss it the first time. This isn't a big deal - the 2nd time around I usually get what they're saying. Here's the thing that bugs me though: all day, for the majority of the day, they are talking to each other as they work. And they're talking in some language that I don't understand - one of the 27+ languages spoken in India. And I can't tell you how much it bugs me! I don't know why - maybe it's simply because I don't understand what they're saying, but I just... it bugs me. It bugs me enough that I'll often put in earphones and crank up the tunes to drown out their conversations.
2. I'm totally suspicious of these 2 guys, and 2 other guys they spend a lot of non-working time with while at work. Suspicious how? Al-queda suspicious. Stupid, silly, and so blatently and idiotically racist. I mean, hell - they're Indian, they're not even Pakistani or Iraqi or Saudi or Iranian or Afghani... and I haven't a clue what their political / religious views are about anything. But still... I got these two dudes (who, let's be honest, look like they're from the middle east), talking to each other all day in a language I don't understand; IM'ing Allah-knows-who in characters I can't understand; meeting in the kitchen a few times / day with 2 guys (who, let's be honest, look like they're from the middle east) where they all speak a language that I can't understand - and sometimes even cease their conversations when I walk into the room - and me, the supposedly liberal-minded dude who's still paranoid about terrorism, leaping to conclusions that because of ZERO EVIDENCE AT ALL, they must be plotting something (or getting ready to plot something)... that these low-level contract workers at Microsoft must be involved in some terrorist plot, due to the fact that they talk to each other in their native tongue instead of Enlgish, they work crazy long hours, and they talk with others in languages I can't understand (and, let's be honest, they look like they're from the middle east). AARRGGHH!
I've been struggling with these thoughts for months now. And I keep trying to convince myself that there's nothing to worry about; I keep reminding myself that these thoughts are nothing but baseless fear-based reactions to nothing but seeing darker skin and hearing languages I don't understand. There is no evidence of anything but two people from a foreign country working side-by-side and communicating in a manner that is probably much more efficient for them, that's it, nothing more!
I know this logically, I do. I just can't get the reactionary-side of my brain to find the same conclusion. I do believe intuition can point to things that logic won't point to; I just don't believe this is intuition - I'm 99.999% sure this is fear.
I hate that my brain keeps going there. I hate that my brain is making racist leaps and bounds based on no hard facts whatsoever, nothing but "the unkown" and "fear." For years I've been trying to steer my family away from the racist stereotypes they grew up with in the 50's and 60's and carried with them throughout their lives, and I've even had some measure of influence over my stubborn-as-a-bull grandfather in getting him to be at least a little more open-minded about other races.
Yet here I am, making such horribly racist conclusions (which, btw, are pretty far-fetched too!) - and as much as I've tried, I just can't get them to go away! I'm chalking it up to paranoia and fear based on lack-of-information. In other words, I'm chalking this all up to my own stupidity.
I'm working on getting rid of this. And god help me, hopefully by the end of the year these thoughts will have vanished....
26 September, 2007
11 September, 2007
snippet, work in progress
ed. note: I'm not sure where, if anywhere, this is going. I happened upon some old writing describing the color of coffee, and stuff happened from there. I've oddly found that once I put something "out there" that more ideas often come to me. This is the first "snippet" I've published here. I hope to continue the story, once it settles and I find out where it's going. Enjoy the snippet.
The steam poured out of the paper cup full of burnt caramel-colored Sumatra coffee with a touch of half and half. He turned to his left, waved goodbye to an acquaintance sitting near the window whose name he couldn't recall, and walked out the door. The one wooden step outside had decayed so much from time and the elements that it sagged in the middle as he stepped on it. It would eventually break in a very dramatic scene involving hot coffee, a cat, a skateboarder, and a couple carrying two bottles of wine (one red, one white), but he would not be there to witness this, having already gone to Seattle.
The air outside the coffee shop was thick and tobacco scented. As he walked through the hot, sticky, Jersey-summer air, he wondered again why he was drinking coffee barely hotter than the air he was breathing.
He also wondered just how it was he ended up in New Jersey, when but a moment ago he was riding the Sound Transit bus 545 from Seattle to Redmond. It was a bit shocking when he reached into his pocket and found car keys, as in Seattle he did not own a car. But he was not in Seattle anymore. He was in New Jersey (or Jersey, if you're a native). And it was summer. And it was hot.
As he turned the car on, an NPR reporter spoke of a massive hurricane heading straight towards New Orleans. It was August 2005, and this hurricane would spark news stories for years. He had read a story about the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina in the Seattle PI not long ago, close to two years after the storm. This, however, was not Seattle 2007; it was New Jersey 2005, and he was not supposed to know this yet. He was not on his way to a job he dreaded at Microsoft, he was on his way to a store in a retail outlet complex, where he worked as a low-level manager, a job he hated.
His mind, still bridging the years, briefly wondered if it was worse to dread something, or to hate something. He didn't settle on an answer. Both seemed bad, yet he found both unavoidable (the jobs and the feelings about them). At Microsoft, he reasoned, they paid him well and didn't make him work weekends. He's not sure how he remembers this, as it hasn't happened yet, so he lightly dismisses it as his own personal fiction. Seattle 2007 was becoming a distant memory; Jersey 2005 was becoming the current reality (if you could call it current, even though part of him knew it was two years ago), the sticky, sweaty summer air driving that reality into his mind.
The steam poured out of the paper cup full of burnt caramel-colored Sumatra coffee with a touch of half and half. He turned to his left, waved goodbye to an acquaintance sitting near the window whose name he couldn't recall, and walked out the door. The one wooden step outside had decayed so much from time and the elements that it sagged in the middle as he stepped on it. It would eventually break in a very dramatic scene involving hot coffee, a cat, a skateboarder, and a couple carrying two bottles of wine (one red, one white), but he would not be there to witness this, having already gone to Seattle.
The air outside the coffee shop was thick and tobacco scented. As he walked through the hot, sticky, Jersey-summer air, he wondered again why he was drinking coffee barely hotter than the air he was breathing.
He also wondered just how it was he ended up in New Jersey, when but a moment ago he was riding the Sound Transit bus 545 from Seattle to Redmond. It was a bit shocking when he reached into his pocket and found car keys, as in Seattle he did not own a car. But he was not in Seattle anymore. He was in New Jersey (or Jersey, if you're a native). And it was summer. And it was hot.
As he turned the car on, an NPR reporter spoke of a massive hurricane heading straight towards New Orleans. It was August 2005, and this hurricane would spark news stories for years. He had read a story about the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina in the Seattle PI not long ago, close to two years after the storm. This, however, was not Seattle 2007; it was New Jersey 2005, and he was not supposed to know this yet. He was not on his way to a job he dreaded at Microsoft, he was on his way to a store in a retail outlet complex, where he worked as a low-level manager, a job he hated.
His mind, still bridging the years, briefly wondered if it was worse to dread something, or to hate something. He didn't settle on an answer. Both seemed bad, yet he found both unavoidable (the jobs and the feelings about them). At Microsoft, he reasoned, they paid him well and didn't make him work weekends. He's not sure how he remembers this, as it hasn't happened yet, so he lightly dismisses it as his own personal fiction. Seattle 2007 was becoming a distant memory; Jersey 2005 was becoming the current reality (if you could call it current, even though part of him knew it was two years ago), the sticky, sweaty summer air driving that reality into his mind.
02 September, 2007
100 Things, part II: 14-26
14. I love both Barry Manilow and Neil Diamond. I would go see either of them in concert in a heartbeat (and may be planning a Vegas jaunt to coincide with a Barry concert there)
15. I know all the words to American Pie (the song, not the movie)
16. While I saw The Grateful Dead about 18 times, there was one year where I saw God Street Wine over 25 times.
17. I love music, but can't stand rap, heavy metal, or that new-fangled pop music they call "country"
18. I can still speak a teeny amount of Thai
19. I once wrote a letter to the head of a Buddhist monastery in Thailand, asking what I needed to do to join their group (all the monks were foreigners at this particular monastery)
20. I sleep on a water pillow
21. While I typically drink my (drip) coffee with just a touch of cream, I wouldn't THINK about drinking 100% Kona coffee any other way but BLACK.
22. The first time I visit a Thai restaurant I will always order the Phad Thai - it's a good benchmark to see how good / authentic / Americanized their dishes are.
23. I've been a vegetarian for 12 years.
24. I've had my looks compared to Johnny Depp numerous times (though now without the chin/shoulder length hair the comparisons may stop)
25. After clipping my nails, I always use an emmory board to smooth out the sharp edges
26. The last time I took a typing speed test, I scored above 90 words per minute.
15. I know all the words to American Pie (the song, not the movie)
16. While I saw The Grateful Dead about 18 times, there was one year where I saw God Street Wine over 25 times.
17. I love music, but can't stand rap, heavy metal, or that new-fangled pop music they call "country"
18. I can still speak a teeny amount of Thai
19. I once wrote a letter to the head of a Buddhist monastery in Thailand, asking what I needed to do to join their group (all the monks were foreigners at this particular monastery)
20. I sleep on a water pillow
21. While I typically drink my (drip) coffee with just a touch of cream, I wouldn't THINK about drinking 100% Kona coffee any other way but BLACK.
22. The first time I visit a Thai restaurant I will always order the Phad Thai - it's a good benchmark to see how good / authentic / Americanized their dishes are.
23. I've been a vegetarian for 12 years.
24. I've had my looks compared to Johnny Depp numerous times (though now without the chin/shoulder length hair the comparisons may stop)
25. After clipping my nails, I always use an emmory board to smooth out the sharp edges
26. The last time I took a typing speed test, I scored above 90 words per minute.
100 things you may not know about me (part I)
In lieu of not having anything interesting to write, I thought perhaps I'd entertain you, dear readers, with a list of oddities about myself you may not know. Yes, blogging is just a tad self-centered, isn't it?
1. I was the lead singer for a rock band in Thailand, singing 6 nights/week
2. Many people have favorite drinks. I never had one. I'd switch from jack & coke to whiskey sodas to gin & tonic to Margarita to Manhattan to beers & shots to vodka sodas.... just for GOD sake DON'T put fruit in it (unless it's a VO & soda, then there'd better be a WEDGE of lemon - not a "slice," a wedge, thankyouverymuch)
3. I got freestyle Frisbee training from a world-champion freestyler.
4. Though it's a kids book, I have re-read A Wrinkle in Time numerous times in the past 8 years.
5. I have album credit as backup vocalist on a CD from a band whose music was featured on The OC a number of times
6. Though I only saw the first season, I really really really didn't like 24.
7. I do not own a TV.
8. I am right-handed, but until I was in college I could only throw a Frisbee with my left hand.
9. I worked as a bartender weeks after turning 18 (the legal age for serving alcohol in NJ)
10. When I was 3 I was playing "Superman" and banged my lip on my grandmother's coffee table. There is still a scar on both the coffee table and my lip.
11. I feel guilty every time I buy a pair of shoes, or a belt, made of leather.
12. My favorite fruit is the ngok (available all over the place in Thailand during the summer)
13. I'm deathly afraid of tunnels.
I'm tired. That's it for now... next installment tomorrow (or soon)....
1. I was the lead singer for a rock band in Thailand, singing 6 nights/week
2. Many people have favorite drinks. I never had one. I'd switch from jack & coke to whiskey sodas to gin & tonic to Margarita to Manhattan to beers & shots to vodka sodas.... just for GOD sake DON'T put fruit in it (unless it's a VO & soda, then there'd better be a WEDGE of lemon - not a "slice," a wedge, thankyouverymuch)
3. I got freestyle Frisbee training from a world-champion freestyler.
4. Though it's a kids book, I have re-read A Wrinkle in Time numerous times in the past 8 years.
5. I have album credit as backup vocalist on a CD from a band whose music was featured on The OC a number of times
6. Though I only saw the first season, I really really really didn't like 24.
7. I do not own a TV.
8. I am right-handed, but until I was in college I could only throw a Frisbee with my left hand.
9. I worked as a bartender weeks after turning 18 (the legal age for serving alcohol in NJ)
10. When I was 3 I was playing "Superman" and banged my lip on my grandmother's coffee table. There is still a scar on both the coffee table and my lip.
11. I feel guilty every time I buy a pair of shoes, or a belt, made of leather.
12. My favorite fruit is the ngok (available all over the place in Thailand during the summer)
13. I'm deathly afraid of tunnels.
I'm tired. That's it for now... next installment tomorrow (or soon)....
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