I can't believe myself...

I'm being completely honest with myself, and with you; I realize that this is utterly stupid and awful, and I hate that my brain keeps making these leaps without my permission. I don't blame you if you think less of me after reading this, because I've been thinking less of me because of this myself:

Two things, related:
1. I work in a converted converence room, with 3 other guys. 2 of the guys are from India. Their English is often quite difficult to understand, and I usually have to ask them to repeat what they said as I usually miss it the first time. This isn't a big deal - the 2nd time around I usually get what they're saying. Here's the thing that bugs me though: all day, for the majority of the day, they are talking to each other as they work. And they're talking in some language that I don't understand - one of the 27+ languages spoken in India. And I can't tell you how much it bugs me! I don't know why - maybe it's simply because I don't understand what they're saying, but I just... it bugs me. It bugs me enough that I'll often put in earphones and crank up the tunes to drown out their conversations.

2. I'm totally suspicious of these 2 guys, and 2 other guys they spend a lot of non-working time with while at work. Suspicious how? Al-queda suspicious. Stupid, silly, and so blatently and idiotically racist. I mean, hell - they're Indian, they're not even Pakistani or Iraqi or Saudi or Iranian or Afghani... and I haven't a clue what their political / religious views are about anything. But still... I got these two dudes (who, let's be honest, look like they're from the middle east), talking to each other all day in a language I don't understand; IM'ing Allah-knows-who in characters I can't understand; meeting in the kitchen a few times / day with 2 guys (who, let's be honest, look like they're from the middle east) where they all speak a language that I can't understand - and sometimes even cease their conversations when I walk into the room - and me, the supposedly liberal-minded dude who's still paranoid about terrorism, leaping to conclusions that because of ZERO EVIDENCE AT ALL, they must be plotting something (or getting ready to plot something)... that these low-level contract workers at Microsoft must be involved in some terrorist plot, due to the fact that they talk to each other in their native tongue instead of Enlgish, they work crazy long hours, and they talk with others in languages I can't understand (and, let's be honest, they look like they're from the middle east). AARRGGHH!

I've been struggling with these thoughts for months now. And I keep trying to convince myself that there's nothing to worry about; I keep reminding myself that these thoughts are nothing but baseless fear-based reactions to nothing but seeing darker skin and hearing languages I don't understand. There is no evidence of anything but two people from a foreign country working side-by-side and communicating in a manner that is probably much more efficient for them, that's it, nothing more!

I know this logically, I do. I just can't get the reactionary-side of my brain to find the same conclusion. I do believe intuition can point to things that logic won't point to; I just don't believe this is intuition - I'm 99.999% sure this is fear.

I hate that my brain keeps going there. I hate that my brain is making racist leaps and bounds based on no hard facts whatsoever, nothing but "the unkown" and "fear." For years I've been trying to steer my family away from the racist stereotypes they grew up with in the 50's and 60's and carried with them throughout their lives, and I've even had some measure of influence over my stubborn-as-a-bull grandfather in getting him to be at least a little more open-minded about other races.

Yet here I am, making such horribly racist conclusions (which, btw, are pretty far-fetched too!) - and as much as I've tried, I just can't get them to go away! I'm chalking it up to paranoia and fear based on lack-of-information. In other words, I'm chalking this all up to my own stupidity.
I'm working on getting rid of this. And god help me, hopefully by the end of the year these thoughts will have vanished....